He packed his ruck prior to leaving,
painful memories and awful feelings,
rolled, folded, tucked into compartments.
He learned to bear the weight.
He packed his ruck in uniform,
loaded it with grenades, mines
and other tools meant to take lives.
He carried a weight that grew.
He packed his ruck for the mission—
food, water, extra medical supplies.
His brothers had to lift him off the ground.
He carried a weight that too unwieldy.
He packed his ruck to go home,
carried it everywhere he went,
too afraid to set it down.
too afraid of what it carried.
He packed his ruck one last time
when he left the family home,
dragging it through empty streets at midnight,
wishing he could set it down.
His weary feet caught a curb—
he and ruck crashed down with force
Face bloodied. Buckles broken.
Contents spilling out.
All the figures of regret and grief,
laid bare beneath the streetlight.
Unpacked. Unfolded.
No longer hidden in the dark.
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Chris Madsen served as infantry man and sniper in the 2/502 Infantry Regiment of the 101st Airborne from 2003 until 2007. He deployed to Southwest Baghdad, also known as the "Triangle of Death" in 2005 during the height of the insurgency. After leaving the Army and finding trouble processing experiences during his deployment and the many other complexities of life, he began writing as a form of release.
